Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
