Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
