I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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