omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
