You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
