Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
