my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
