whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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