Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
