Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
