I love black thongs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
