he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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