Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
