I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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