Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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