so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
