UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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