the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We need a shit load of segways right now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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