doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
