i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
