Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize