why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
