I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
