And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
