he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
