my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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