I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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