Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
