when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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