gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
