She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
