I'm so fucking centered right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
