I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
