And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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