Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
then he tried to convert me to islam
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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