I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
