Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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