We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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