don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
