she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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