smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
