I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
