How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize