I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
