I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
