My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
