Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pants are for mortals
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
