Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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