I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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