How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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