dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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