genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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