she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
