yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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