i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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