I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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