she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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