wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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